LUCKY TO SEE 35
***TRIGGER WARNING*** THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS HEAVY ACCOUNTS OF MENTAL ILLNESS AND EVERYTHING THAT COMES ALONG WITH IT***
What a year. It was a year ago that I launched this blog with so many “hopes”....at least, that was the intention. What I didn’t count on happening was my depression completely taking a strong hold on every aspect of my life. I didn’t realize how much it was already there until it was ALL that I knew. Until it was all that consumed every part of my waking life. 2020, the year that we all thought would be THE ONE, BROKE ME. 34 BROKE ME.
I found myself feeling lonely, lost, worthless. My thoughts constantly told me I wasn’t good enough and I started to believe it.
“Of course I am worthless because I have no purpose.”
“No one wants to be around someone like that.”
“You’re an idiot. You can’t do anything right.”
Those are just some of the lies I believed day in and day out..to the point where I lost all sense of my being. I was a shell of myself and December brought it out the most.
For those who know me KNOW how much I LOVE December. The Christmas season always brought so much joy, but not this past year. I remember decorating my tree and breaking down every couple of moments. The Christmas lights weren’t as bright as they once were and EVERYTHING lacked color. So much so, that it was a struggle to get out of bed on most days. A lot of times I would wake up and immediately wish I didn’t. My world was heavy...too heavy for me to want to be awake. Most days, I found myself lying on the couch. I wanted to do all the things, but I couldn’t do all the things. Even the simple things like clean, take a shower, workout...I couldn’t do it...I was paralyzed by my constant intrusive thoughts.. I was beyond exhausted.
Ah, the New Year. 2021. AKA the year that nearly ended me. At this point, I was living my life on autopilot. Going through the motions. I could barely form a thought and forget asking me to remember to do something or pick something up from the store. I couldn’t no matter how hard I tried to listen. Numbing out every chance I could because everything made me want to break down and cry. I’m talking about simply just going grocery shopping made.me.cry. I stopped reaching out to anyone, which further drove me into my isolation hole. Nothing brought me any joy….you know how terrible that is? And I mean NOTHING. Not seeing my friends or family. Not snowboarding. Not working out. Not creating content. NOTHING BROUGHT ME JOY. I remember walking out of the grocery store completely zoning out...lifeless if you will. I remember it being sunny after a few days of gloomy weather and I felt nothing. No joy. No sadness. Just complete emptiness. Like every bit of happiness and emotion that I could have has been sucked out of me. I was checked out..
I didn’t care about what happened to me. Life had no meaning. I didn’t want to be here. My soul hurt and it hurt bad. I felt completely alone. I felt as if I was drowning. No one understood this feeling and I honestly felt like I was too much for many. I was ready to accept this as my permanent reality.
“It’s all for the best.”
“It’s not like you’d make much of a difference anyway.”
“You are nothing.”
“Just go. Everyone will be better off.”
March 20th, 2021. Oh how much that day means to me. I didn’t know it then, but that day would CHANGE MY LIFE. Let me paint you a picture. It was one of the last days on hill. Sun was shining. The weather was PERFECT! The best spring conditions with the best people around. After months of COVID, it was the first day that felt like the old days. The ones where people weren’t afraid to go out and be with friends that weren’t in their safe circle. It was pure bliss. Or however much bliss I could actually feel at the time. But all in all, it felt different in a good way. So, why is this day so significant? Because it’s the day I stopped pretending I was ok.. to myself and to others. It’s the day that when I was asked how I was, I said that I wasn’t ok. That I was struggling and struggling badly. I was tired of suppressing it. Depression takes a numerous toll on a person’s total being to the point of pure exhaustion. So finally being able to muster up enough courage to take a chance and tell my truth felt as if some of the weight that I’ve been carrying for so long has been lifted off of my shoulders.
That conversation introduced me to my now therapist. Which then brought into my life my now psychiatrist who officially recognized that I had MDD (Major Depressive Disorder). Which then established my now healing plan that includes talk therapy, an antidepressant, and an antipsychotic. I wouldn’t be on the mend without all three. For some, they can do just fine with therapy, but for me that wasn’t the case. Even in therapy, there was minimal improvement in my moods. Which is why I was prescribed meds and guess what? THAT IS FINE! Because for the first time in what seems like years, I’m starting to feel like myself again. I don’t feel that heaviness that was once so prominent every time I woke up. I smile and mean it! I feel joy again. I want to snowboard again! I want to see my friends and family. I feel like creating again! I have no desire to numb out anymore. It’s truly something I never thought I would be able to feel again, but here I am. Living it day by day.
With that said, I do still have tough days. As with all good things, healing takes time. There is no quick fix. It takes constant work. I’m talking 24/7. It means journaling (I have 3: one for gratitude, one for my to dos, and one for my thoughts), taking care of my body physically with exercise and sorta good nutrition (still love my chips and cookies), setting time aside for therapy every week, working on my mindset-realizing that it is possible to feel happiness again and that I DESERVE TO FEEL HAPPINESS AGAIN, taking my medication every morning and night, sticking to my checkups with my psych. There’s a lot that goes into it behind the scenes. But all that work is 1000% worth it.
And here we are today. I’ve made it to see 35! Pretty wild being that for a while there I couldn’t see my future self as I had completely lost my present self. For making it to this day, I couldn’t be more grateful for it. And that’s probably why I wanted to write this and basically bare my soul. Reflecting on the past year has really opened my eyes. I genuinely have a newfound appreciation for life and more importantly, HOPE. I have hope again. That is my intention. That anyone reading this will understand, you can be so lost in the darkness to the point where it may seem as though this will forever be your truth. But it doesn’t have to be. It is possible to see the light again. It is possible to wake up and not feel heavy. It is possible to live a life that isn’t so hard and exhausting. Believe me when I say that you deserve to feel so damn good. Please, if you are struggling..Get Help. It’s something that I wish I did sooner and if I can prevent at least one person from going years feeling like this then this post has served its purpose.
So, what did this monster of the past year teach me? Well, I’ll summarize it in a “few” points for you:
•Your physical health means nothing if your mental health isn’t right.
•Never be ashamed of your feelings. THEY ARE VALID!
•Answer truthfully when someone asks you how you are. It’s ok to not be ok. Let's normalize it.
•You are not alone.
•You are so loved.
•You are so needed.
•You are NOT a burden.
•Your mental illness is lying to you.
•Your mental illness does not define you.
•Reach out for help ASAP. Don’t wait and don’t think that just because it isn’t “bad” right this second that you don’t need it. YOU DO.
•You are stronger than you know.
•YOU BELONG HERE.
•Appreciate all the small moments, like seeing the sunrise or genuinely smiling.
•Seek out a community or group support that understands your mental illness.
•Encourage your loved ones to learn about your mental illness so that they understand why you are the way you are at the moment and are able to support you better.
•Therapy is incredibly underrated. Try it!
•There will be times when you feel like you have nothing to talk about in therapy. That's normal. Keep going.
•Don’t be a hero. Take the damn meds.
•It’s important to find doctors you trust and have your best interest in mind.
•It is possible to get help if you don’t have health insurance. Don’t let that stop you.
•Be kind to yourself. After the number depression can have on you, you need it.
•Be patient. Healing takes time.
•Setbacks are normal, but they will never be as bad or as common as they were before getting help.
•Journal-your thoughts, feelings, ideas, drawings, to-dos, things you’re grateful for, seriously ANYTHING. It’s therapeutic.
•Never underestimate the power of a long walk.
•You will get to know yourself again. I’m talking about the REAL you.
•Your mind will become clear and you’ll be able to rejoin conversations and have your own thoughts.
•You aren’t stuck in your terrible thoughts and feelings.
•The world will become colorful again. It’s honestly amazing.
•You will also feel joy and wonder as if you were a kid at times..
•It is possible to feel emotions again.
•Your motivation to do the things you love WIll come back.
•It is possible to enjoy life again.
•It is possible to wake up and not dread a new day.
•It does get better. Like a whole lot better. <3
If you are still reading this, I sincerely thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and share this with you. Thank you for being here and supporting me always. I am in a much better place than I was a year ago. So while the first half of 2021 nearly ended me, the rest of 2021 will be spent healing and looking forward to the future. <3
